Buggin Out
Feb08

Buggin Out

So I was at Bae’s house as per usual and we were cuddled up on his couch. We ate, drank, and watched a movie. Once the movie was over, I gave him that look….it was time to get it on.

Beauty portrait of girl with afro.

Kissing, hugging, sucking, you name it. It got so hot and heavy that we didn’t even make it to the bedroom. We started on the couch and then the dining room chair. He gave me everything! [I got mine and then some!]

He took charge [just the way I like it] and led me to the living room floor where he bent me over and gave it to me like his life depended on it. [Marry me!] He kissed me on the back of my neck and then the small of my back. [Whew!] My knees were getting weak….partly because he was pounding the sh** out of me and also because he didn’t have much padding in his carpet, so the pressure was killing my knees.  [That sh** really hurt!]

Beautiful nude woman at the window. Perfect female body

He pushed me down, arched my back a little more, and I just knew he was about to climax, but, out of no where, I let out a screech and practically jumped out of my skin. Why? Not because I had the “big O” again, which would’ve been nice. Nope! That wasn’t it at all. What was it? A mother f***cking bug crawled up my leg. 

SilverfishI hopped up with the quickness and ran around the living room screaming and trying to get that thing off of my leg.   A damn silver fish was on me. A SILVER FISH! [Yuck! Shoot me now!] I got it off of me, but didn’t get a chance to kill it because that sucker crawled away so damn fast along with me being in major panic mode.  I was so distraught after that, that I couldn’t even continue.

This Date Is Over!

I was so traumatized that I haven’t had sex on the floor since that incident.

Sincerely,

Exterminate before you beat it up 

What would you do in this situation? Would you have been able to recover if a bug crawled on you during sex? What’s the worst thing that’s happened to you during sex?

Comment below! Submit your relationship & bad date stories to info@thisdateisover.com.

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Super Bowl Showdown
Feb01

Super Bowl Showdown

football-5-1186483

So I was headed to a Super Bowl party hosted by a group of fraternity brothers. A few days before the party, I got a call from a guy (let’s call him Lew Zer) that I had been out with a couple of months prior and he informed me that he’d also be at the Super Bowl party. Nothing happened between the two of us besides dinner because. Lew Zer blew me off for our second date and I stopped calling him after that.

Because I overslept, I arrived to the Super Bowl party right before half-time and once I got into the house, it was absolutely packed with people. I made my rounds to say hello to everyone and went downstairs to see if there were some additional seats. I saw Lew Zer from across the room and walked over to say hello, but before I could get over to him, he started SCREAMING at some guy and made a huge scene by saying “MOTHER F***ER DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???!!!!” to the guy. [AWKWARD]

So, I made a quick about-face and went back upstairs.

viola

I grabbed my jacket because I was preparing to leave. Why? Because they ran out of food at the superbowl party. [Aint that some sh**! but I guess it was my fault for getting there late…I guess]

Lew Zer came upstairs and said to me “Hey Andrea! Can we talk for a minute outside?” We went to the front porch and the conversation went like this:

Lew Zer: Why didn’t you speak to me downstairs?

Me: Because you were arguing with some guy and I didn’t want to get caught up in that crossfire. Why didn’t you speak to me?

Lew Zer: Well I didn’t see you.

Me: Hold up….So how did you know I was downstairs if you didn’t see me? Get your story together.

—-insert silence & blank stare—-

Lew Zer: Well why haven’t I seen you since our last date?

Me: Because you blew me off for our second date. I told you I’d probably be available in a couple of weeks, but you had a bit of a ‘tude about that.

Lew Zer: Why should I have to wait a couple of weeks though?

Me: Because once a person blows me off, they don’t get first dibs at my calendar. I don’t take kindly to being blown off.

Lew Zer: Well I’m sorry….Can you be real with me though because I really like you and still want to get to know you. Do you feel the sam way or do you just want to be friends? Just be honest with me.

Me: Actually, I would prefer that we just be friends. 

upset man

Lew Zer: MAN THAT’S SOME BULLSHIT! JUST FRIENDS! JUST FRIENDS? 

Me: Sir, please check your tone and stop cursing at me. As a matter of fact, I’m leaving. 

Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t leave right away because someone’s car was blocking mine and I couldn’t locate said person. So, I went back into the house to watch the rest of the game. [#FMYLIFE!]

This Dude Can't Do Sh** Right!

Would you believe that Lew Zer followed me around the house begging me to talk to him? ”Andrea, can we talk about this please? Can I just have two minutes of your time?” [insert facepalm]. The dude was just a mess and actually got into my face in an attempt to force me to talk to him [it would have been nice if the other guys in attendance would have tried to intervene to get this fool away from me, but perhaps they missed that chapter in the man-training handbook *shots fired*]. It got so bad that I had to ask some random guy at the party to sit next to me so that Lew Zer would leave me the hell alone.

You would’ve thought that we had hot butt-naked sex and rainbows shot out of my A$$ by the way he was conducting himself, but nothing of the sort happened. All we did was have dinner one time at the Cheesecake Factory…the Cheesecake Factory! Whoopty-effin-doo! We didn’t even kiss after the date.

Anyway as expected, Lew Zer called me a few days later apologizing profusely.

Lew Zer: I‘m so sorry. I’ve never been that drunk before. I don’t know what came over me.

Me: Sir, you are 37 years-old AND you’re in a fraternity. This is not your first time at the rodeo. You’ve definitely been that drunk or perhaps worse before. You are not the kind of person that I want to deal with and, besides, you strike me as the abusive type. So, I’d prefer that you no longer contact me….ever again. 

This Date Is OVER!

Sincerely,

Ain’t Nobody Got Time For a Grown Ass Man Who Can’t Hold His Liquor Nor Control His Emotions and Has the Audacity To Blow Me Off For a Date…Chile please!

 

What would you do in this situation? Was she too petty? Do you think he was creepy?

Comment below! Submit your relationship & bad date stories to info@thisdateisover.com.

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Petty Moment
Jan25

Petty Moment

barbecue-1329242

So I was at a barbecue at my cousin’s house when a friend of hers, let’s call her Vicky, arrived with this cutie patootie baby boy who was about 6 months old.  The baby was a little fussy and Vicky was having a hard time putting him to sleep.  My cousin joked that since I had the biggest boobs in the bunch, I should try to put the baby to sleep.  Vicky handed me the baby, I held the him against my bosom and just like that, he went to sleep. [What can I say? They’re real and they’re spectacular!]

As a joke, I posted a picture of me holding the baby on Facebook with the caption “Putting my baby to sleep #Motherhood


Mother Holding Sleeping Baby Boy At Home

I didn’t think anything of the picture because it was a joke and everyone who knows me is aware that I don’t have any children, but then I started getting DMs from this guy.  He and I had gone out once and only once, but there were no sparks and, besides, he did something dumb that really annoyed me [read about it here].  We stopped communicating altogether and I had forgotten that he was even on my Facebook friends list.

Anyway, he inboxed me a bunch of questions about my relationship status and my borrowed “child”. Instead of taking the high road and telling him it wasn’t my child, I decided to play around with him for my own twisted pleasure.

Him: You have a child now?


Me: Yes, his name is Anthony


Him: Wow…when did that happen? Married? Lucky man.


Me: No, he left when he found out I was pregnant. Apparently he forgot to mention he was married.


Him: You dated him long enough to get pregnant and you didn’t know he was married???

Damn…and all that time I was trying to date you….you can believe if I would have gotten you pregnant I wouldn’t have left you I would have married you…..but that’s just me.


Me: Awww….Have a baby by me baby be a hundred-aire [Fifty Cent reference]


Him: I’d love to have you and a baby

 

Me: Really? My son needs a father


Him: I’m serious about being with you. I always liked you and was very attracted to you but you would never open up to me


So I was laughing hysterically to myself because I couldn’t believe he really thought that I had a child, especially since I went out with him 7 months prior and would have been massively pregnant at the time. I also felt kinda bad and a little creeped out at the same time that he had such strong feelings for me because we only went out once and never talked much after that with the exception of the time he tricked me into meeting him at his job. [See story here]  He texted me here and there, but it was never consistent.

i-love-you-1558421

I did eventually tell him that it was all a hoax and that the baby wasn’t mine. He laughed about it, but then proceeded to profess his love for me. He continued on and on about me never opening up to him and I pointed out that there weren’t many opportunities for me to open up because we rarely talked outside of his sporadic texting [however, it’s not like I extended the olive branch either] and that I didn’t feel a connection between us. [Uh oh! I hope I didn’t block my blessing! lol]

 

Sincerely,

Not The Mama

What would you do in this situation? Was she too petty? Do you think he was creepy?

Comment below! Submit your relationship & bad date stories to info@thisdateisover.com.

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Drunk Dating
Jan18

Drunk Dating

Female party goer drinking alcohol

So I was drunk at a birthday party in NYC and this girl kept telling me how awesome her friend was…making him sound like such a good guy. You know, a “great on paper dude”….great job, smart and I don’t know…I was drunk. He showed up much later and in a bit of drunken desperation, Drunk Self (I) threw myself at him and we became friends.  Drunk self, managed to give him ALL of my information: cell, home, FB, email, everything [Damn her!!].

The next morning he came back to the city and I really saw him. He was short and round. He’s Samwise. The Hobbit. [This Mother F***er is a HOBBIT!]  I’m screaming “NO THANK YOU” in my head…I’m a chiseled abs girl! I barely said two words to him, thinking things would end there. WRONG!

Beautiful girl shooting at her head with hand gun

So he called my cell. IGNORE!! Then he got smart and called my house phone from his house phone a few days later.  I answered assuming I knew the person because Sober Self doesn’t give out my house number. We chatted and I finally agreed to meet for drinks. The date was okay. Drunk Self was happy. During drinks, he was chatting me up about how he really wanted to plan a REAL date for me and all of a sudden he scheduled date number two. Sadly, I already knew he wasn’t for me but he insisted.

couple in restaurant

Date two was pretty good. It started with an amazing bottle of wine, cheese tasting, more wine at an incredible restaurant with extra wine which ended with dancing and shots of Patron. Randomly, he would make a comment or say something that I completely disagreed with, but I was having fun so I ignored it. At some point I stopped making memories and was told that I tried to hit on two other people while on date two. Drunk Self was so uninterested in the Hobbit that I forgot I was on a date.

rkelly

I assumed that I embarrassed myself enough on date two and he would get the hint: WRONG AGAIN. He called and invited me to an R.Kelly concert. [Am I supposed to turn down an R.Kelly concert? I loved old him!] Anyway so I went, but I decide NOT to drink the whole time.

Date three Sober
I saw him walking up with a stroll in his wobble-like steps and thought “he’s actually uglier than a Hobbit. How is that possible?” We got to our seats and he asked what I wanted to drink and I said “water”. He added “okay and what else?” I casually said “nothing, I’m not drinking tonight.”  His attitude immediately changed and we had an argument about me NOT drinking.  I was already annoyed and just wanted this date to be over.

man argue

R. Kelly was great and I managed to not really talk to the Hobbit for the rest of the concert. After the concert, we arrived in front of his apartment and he asked me to come up because he wanted to talk [UGH fine] so I went up.  He asked me if I wanted some wine, “no thanks I’m driving home”.

hangover-1-949776-m

He went into his bedroom and while inside, he managed to hit his head and came out cursing with a knot. I was so amused by the growing lump on his head I decided to have a glass a wine and entertain the talk he wanted to have with a bag of ice on his forehead. With the best possible swag and arrogance one could have while holding a bag of ice to their head, he began to tell me that we should be together because of who he is and what he has. He could take me here and there and do this for me, basically offering me to be a kept woman in so many words.  After his rant was over I politely declined and left relishing in the pleasure seeing that much deserved lump already on his head.

This date is OVER!

Sincerely,

Thanks For The Dates, But I Can’t See Myself With A Hobbit Longterm

How would you have handled the situation? Would you have bothered to go on dates with this guy after having a sober second look? Share your thoughts below!

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Horror Story
Jan11

Horror Story

So I was working at a law firm and made a trip downstairs to the convenience store located beneath the building. While there, I happened to lock eyes with an attractive, tall, dreadlocked man who was suited and booted for what appeared to be his day at the office. He approached, we exchanged numbers, and he asked me for dinner and drinks the following day.  He seemed cool, but I wanted to be safe, so I chose a popular restaurant for us to meet where there would people that I knew.    

The day of our date, I washed my hair, straightened it, and put on this cream-colored sweater dress that complimented my assets….I was dressed to the nines.  To complete my look, I walked over to a nearby department store and had my favorite makeup artist do a little something to my face.  No one could tell me that I was not cute.  Like, paparazzi could have popped out of the bushes to take my picture because I looked like E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. 

Make Up Model On Pink

Anyway, I was bouncing up and down the entire day at work ready for the day to be over.  Finally, it was 5:00pm and I grabbed a cab to get to the restaurant.  I walked in the restaurant, waved to some friends from the office who were already there because they left work early, and I grabbed a seat at the bar.  Now, this man was fine, so I wanted everyone to see us [yes, that’s what I get for vanity, but oh well].

I ordered a drink and an appetizer while waiting for him to arrive.  He was supposed to be there at 5:30pm and, at 5:45pm, I started texting him.  Suddenly, this sorta scraggly looking guy in a puffer jacket, tank top, saggy jeans and Timberlands walked in.  It was apparent that this scraggly fella was looking for someone, but I certainly didn’t think he would be looking for me….he was. 

homeless-1239758

THIS DATE IS OVER!

This was the “handsome” guy in the suit from the day before.  [ What happened? Did you just volunteer somewhere and not have time to go home and change before dinner?]  He sat down and the conversation began.

Me: Hi
Him: Um, dis for us? [He picks up a chicken wing from the platter.]
Me: What? The food?  Yes.  But, what happened?
Him: Oh, I got held up.  You look church nice.
Me: Thank you. I dressed for dinner.  Did I misunderstand?
Him: I’m f***ed up, naw what I mean?  I ain’t know this was nice like that.
Me: Did you change after work or did you not go today?
Him: Yeah, you met me when I had on that bullsh*t [as he eats and talks at the same time]
Man chewing hamburger

Me: Huh? [at which time, the bone from the chicken wing that he plucked from the appetizers I ordered, that had been in his mouth and devoured, was returned to the plate WITH THE OTHER FOOD]
Him: My boy told me that the first time you meet your PO, you need to look like something.
Me: What?
Him: Yeah, I got out a couple of weeks ago and they made me stay at this joint until I could get this thing, I don’t know what’s it’s called [at which point he places his foot on the table and displays an ankle monitor].
Me: You just got out of jail??!!!!!
Him: Not just out.  They made me stay in this house…
Me: Transitional housing??!!!!
Him: Yeah, whatever the f*** that sh*t is…
Me:  What?!!!
Him: Hold up…you a lawyer right?  Can they charge me for this?  They talking bout I have to guarantee payment or something.
Me:
Him: Yeah, that f***er got me f***ed up if he think I am going to pay for this sh*t!
Me:
Him: But, if I wanna be out, I guess I gotta deal with this bullsh*t…

 The conversation continued with him rambling about his brother’s recent run-in with the law [his brother had just gone to prison] and baby mama drama [his brother had section 8 baby mama issues] at which point, I blanked out because a piece of the chicken gristle that he was gnawing on came out of his mouth and landed on my CHEEK…yeah, MY FACE!!!!

crying-man-intervention

Him: My bad shawty.
Me: Excuse me I need to go to the restroom.

I called my best friend and told her to call me back with some kind of emergency. I went back to my seat and waited anxiously for that daggone phone to ring.  When it rang, I told him that there was an emergency at the office that I had to take care of.  He asked me if I was paying for the food, so I handed $20 to the waiter. 

Him: What about my drink?
Me: Umm, what about it sir?  I think I left something in the restroom. 

I had my coat and purse over my arm, saw my waiter in the hallway and told him that I wanted to leave out of the back door.  He laughed and guided me through the kitchen and onto the street.  I gave him another $10 to deliver a message to Mr. Scraggly that I had to leave and that it was a terrible emergency….I blocked scraggly dude’s number.


Sincerely,

Looks Can Be Deceiving

 

What would you do in this situation?  Was she too vain? Would you give him a chance? Would you date a newly release convict with an ankle bracelet?

Comment below! Submit your relationship & bad date stories to info@thisdateisover.com.
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The Spitter
Jan04

The Spitter

exhibition, all photos mine, put yours now

So I reconnected with a woman I met previously at a non-profit event via social media [Thank God for Facebook…Well in this case, I believe Satan was involved with this woman]. We began talking on the phone and, since everything seemed fine, I invited her on a museum date.
Black woman yelling

Now I’m all for jokes and I absolutely love to laugh, but I know better than to be loud and obnoxious in a museum. This woman, let’s call her The Spitter, was so loud and ignorant in the museum [think loud speaker announcements in grade school] making all types of inappropriate jokes and comments. Needless to say, I was happy when we reached the end of the exhibit and exited the museum.

black man holding a banner

I was ready to take The Spitter home, but I sucked it up and took her to the food court in a nearby mall because she said she was hungry. I didn’t think The Spitter was worth anything more than Chick-Fil-A, so that’s what she got.

On our way out, she wanted to stop in a shoe store and I obliged. As I was perusing the men’s shoes, The Spitter came over to me and asked me to buy her a pair of shoes. When I said “no”, she threw a damn TEMPER TANTRUM. I’m talking “bad ass toddler you see in the street and wanna take your belt off to beat” type of tantrum.

THIS DATE IS OVER!!!!

I immediately left the store and The Spitter followed.  I started to make her catch a cab [Uber wasn’t around yet; otherwise, I would’ve gotten one for her], but my mom raised a gentleman, so I decided to just take her home.

On the drive home, we were listening to some hip hop and I said I liked lyrics with substance, but she disagreed which was fine until she started calling me out my name. I pulled over on the highway and told her if she didn’t stop, I would put her out of my car…she remained quiet until we got near her house. Then she yelled “I’ll get out here” and I pulled over.

adobestock_108693115-converted

As she got out, she spit [yes, SPIT] into the car in my direction, slammed the door, and walked off. Fortunately for her, no spit got on me and somehow landed outside of the driver’s side of my car because the window was down. It literally took EVERYTHING in me not to hurt her. I pulled off and began calling female acquaintances to clear my mind, but ended up having to calm them down because they wanted to kill her.

The Spitter lives and I hope she never spit at anyone else again.

 

Sincerely,

The Black Focker

 

What would you do in this situation? Has a date ever spat on you? Would you have taken her home or left her to fend for herself?

Comment below! Submit your relationship & bad date stories to info@thisdateisover.com.

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