So I was drunk at a birthday party in NYC and this girl kept telling me how awesome her friend was…making him sound like such a good guy. You know, a “great on paper dude”….great job, smart and I don’t know…I was drunk. He showed up much later and in a bit of drunken desperation, Drunk Self (I) threw myself at him and we became friends. Drunk self, managed to give him ALL of my information: cell, home, FB, email, everything [Damn her!!].
The next morning he came back to the city and I really saw him. He was short and round. He’s Samwise. The Hobbit. [This Mother F***er is a HOBBIT!] I’m screaming “NO THANK YOU” in my head…I’m a chiseled abs girl! I barely said two words to him, thinking things would end there. WRONG!
So he called my cell. IGNORE!! Then he got smart and called my house phone from his house phone a few days later. I answered assuming I knew the person because Sober Self doesn’t give out my house number. We chatted and I finally agreed to meet for drinks. The date was okay. Drunk Self was happy. During drinks, he was chatting me up about how he really wanted to plan a REAL date for me and all of a sudden he scheduled date number two. Sadly, I already knew he wasn’t for me but he insisted.
Date two was pretty good. It started with an amazing bottle of wine, cheese tasting, more wine at an incredible restaurant with extra wine which ended with dancing and shots of Patron. Randomly, he would make a comment or say something that I completely disagreed with, but I was having fun so I ignored it. At some point I stopped making memories and was told that I tried to hit on two other people while on date two. Drunk Self was so uninterested in the Hobbit that I forgot I was on a date.
I assumed that I embarrassed myself enough on date two and he would get the hint: WRONG AGAIN. He called and invited me to an R.Kelly concert. [Am I supposed to turn down an R.Kelly concert? I loved old him!] Anyway so I went, but I decide NOT to drink the whole time.
Date three Sober
I saw him walking up with a stroll in his wobble-like steps and thought “he’s actually uglier than a Hobbit. How is that possible?” We got to our seats and he asked what I wanted to drink and I said “water”. He added “okay and what else?” I casually said “nothing, I’m not drinking tonight.” His attitude immediately changed and we had an argument about me NOT drinking. I was already annoyed and just wanted this date to be over.
R. Kelly was great and I managed to not really talk to the Hobbit for the rest of the concert. After the concert, we arrived in front of his apartment and he asked me to come up because he wanted to talk [UGH fine] so I went up. He asked me if I wanted some wine, “no thanks I’m driving home”.
He went into his bedroom and while inside, he managed to hit his head and came out cursing with a knot. I was so amused by the growing lump on his head I decided to have a glass a wine and entertain the talk he wanted to have with a bag of ice on his forehead. With the best possible swag and arrogance one could have while holding a bag of ice to their head, he began to tell me that we should be together because of who he is and what he has. He could take me here and there and do this for me, basically offering me to be a kept woman in so many words. After his rant was over I politely declined and left relishing in the pleasure seeing that much deserved lump already on his head.
This date is OVER!
Thanks For The Dates, But I Can’t See Myself With A Hobbit Longterm
How would you have handled the situation? Would you have bothered to go on dates with this guy after having a sober second look? Share your thoughts below!