What Dat Mouf Do?

So I decided to try out a dating app to test the waters.  I’m a silly person to the core, so I made certain to include some banter about the importance of nice (well, decent) teeth in an effort to avoid matching with a yuckmouth [i.e. a person with really bad teeth].

I perused some profiles and came across this one guy who was very attractive; however, I couldn’t gauge how his teeth were going to look because his mouth was closed in all of his pictures [Red Flag], but I decided to put those fears aside, swiped right, and BOOM….it was a match!  

We chatted on the app and the dialogue seemed cool enough to exchange numbers. I decided to take things a step further and do a video chat because I wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to be some sort of catfish situation on either side and to see what dat mouf do [i.e. how his teeth looked].

As he started to speak, I felt relieved because I could see that his teeth looked fairly decent and he was as handsome as his pictures. [WHEW! *wipes forehead*].  I apparently said something funny as the conversation continued because he let out a thunderous laugh…one of those head cocked back, mouth wide open kinds of laughs and the side of his mouth seemed a little ummmm….hollow, but I couldn’t really tell because he didn’t have a lot of lights on when we video chatted. I figured it was a shadow of some sort, so I didn’t bother bringing it up; HOWEVER, it lingered in the back of my mind.

Fast Forward a Couple of Days

He called to ask me out on a date to have crabs [YESSSSSS! I love me some crabs!] and the conversation soon took an unexpected turn. He started to ask how many guys had my phone number [ummmm hundreds…maybe thousands, so?], how many dates I had been on, and etc. I told him that his questions didn’t make any sense and that he should focus on how the two of us were going to connect instead of worrying about another man. [Who does that?]  I told him I wasn’t dating anybody, which was true, and that a lot of guys have my phone number, which was also true [Hey! I know a lot of people. That doesn’t mean I’m dating them].  I asked him the relevancy of his questions, but he didn’t have an answer, so I decided to ask him some questions of my own….

Me: Well since you want to get all personal, I have a question for you then, but I don’t want to offend you.

Him: Shiiiiit! I’m a grown ass man. Don’t nothing phase me! You can ask me anything.

Me: Alrighty then…..are you missing some teeth?

*DEAD SILENCE FILLS THE AIR*

Him: Uhhhh where?

Me: What the hell do you mean where? Ummm I don’t know.  Your shoe?

*DEAD SILENCE AGAIN*

ARE YOU MISSING ANY TEETH?!?!?!

Him: Well, yeah, but I don’t understand why you’re asking me that.

Me: Didn’t you read my profile and what I said about teeth?

Him: Yeah, I read it, but a real woman would help her man get his teeth fixed?

Me: What? GoodBYE!  Why is it someone else’s responsibility to fix your teeth?  What happened?

Him: I got into a couple of accidents and some fights in high school.

Me: *facepalm* So on top of you missing teeth, you can’t even fight? I can’t!

THIS DATE IS OVER!

He continued on his delusional rant stating that his woman should help him get his teeth fixed and then shared that he was offended that I even asked about his teeth. I don’t understand how he could be offended when he has been walking around without side teeth since high school which by my calculation is a total 22 years [he’s 40 years old]. And to make matters worse, he has had the money and the means to get his teeth fixed for quite some time. He said that he didn’t think it was really that important. Meanwhile, there’s no shortage of pictures of him posing in luxury brand attire, with a closed mouth of course. [Priorities…What are those?]

Needless to say, he cancelled our crab date because he felt uncomfortable.

 

Him: I don’t want you staring in my mouth while I’m trying to chew crabs with my six teeth.

Me: Ok [I was definitely going to be staring, so he made a wise decision]

Before ending the call, he decided to make the situation even more awkward by alluding to the fact that he could offer me some oral pleasure because his “tongue works just fine” and visions of yeast infections immediately filled my mind. [Blarf!]

 

Sincerely,

Fix your teeth

P.S. If he actually had some sort of realistic plan to get his teeth fixed in the very near future [like tomorrow], I would have been more understanding….maybe.

How would you have handled this situation? Would you have ignored his teeth and went ahead with the date?  Could you date someone with bad or missing teeth?

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