So I went to happy hour with this guy that I had been dating for a couple of months. Because he was a self-proclaimed lightweight, he only had one drink [apparently, I’m some sort of lush because I had three lol] and we stuffed our faces with wings and fries [I’m very health conscious 0_0 lol].
We went back to my place to watch movies and as the night wore on, my buzz went away, but I was kinda in the mood for some extracurricular activities if you know what I mean. [Wink wink] LET THE FOREPLAY BEGIN!
Things were getting hot and heavy, so I figured it would be best to take the party back to my room.
Our clothes were on the floor and IT’S. ABOUT. TO GO. DOWN. [Jay-Z voice] I was going to look for a condom; however, Mr. Lightweight came prepared with his own [I guess he already knew he was getting some lol]. There was, however, a HUGE [well small] problem…this dude pulled out a Magnum XL condom. You’re probably wondering “What’s wrong with a Magnum?” Well, the problem was that this dude’s d*ck penis was NOT magnum worthy…Not even close. In an effort to not completely kill the mood, I turned my head to laugh and accidentally blurted out “ARE YOU SERIOUS?” Mr. Lightweight overheard my question [OOPS! My bad! Wasn’t supposed to say that out loud!] and responded by saying “Yeah! I always carry condoms.” Fortunately, this guy thought I was surprised at him carrying condoms and didn’t catch on to the fact that I was laughing at his penis’ inability to fill out a Magnum condom.
So this dude gets on top of me and it is FINALLY about to go down. I mean, this dude was humping the sh*t out of me, not to mention, he was sweating profusely [like he had just run a marathon and played 2 pickup games] AND that sh*t was dripping on me [EWWWWWWWWWWWW and it got in my eye]. I know you are probably thinking that he was sweating because he was putting in work, but he wasn’t. His penis never passed go! Why? Because he had a Mr. Softy!!!! This dude was dry humping me the entire time with a soft penis [What in the entire hell?]!
THIS DATE IS OVER!
I couldn’t take it anymore, gave him a little tap on the shoulder, and told him to “just stop please”. The dry humping, the soft penis, and the incessant sweating all over me and my bed killed it. Of course, he wanted to keep the “party” going and in an effort to redeem himself said “Do you want me to like go down on you or something?” [Insert face palm! NOOOOOOOO! Who asks that and besides I want you to get your sweaty, soft d*** having ass the f*** out of my house! Lol] I declined his offer and went to grab him a towel because he was literally drenched with sweat. He hopped out of bed to dry off and get dressed to go home [So I thought]. Would you believe that this dude climbed his ass back into my bed? [WTF man!] I. was. SHOCKED.
Me: Ummmm…what are you doing?
Him: Oh I can’t stay here?
Me: Ummm…no you can’t stay here.
Him: Why?
Me: Because my grandmother is coming over in the morning and I don’t want her to see some strange man leaving my house.
Him: Oh ok.
I’m thinking that I gave this dude a loud enough hint to get the hell out, but he didn’t even budge. So I had to not so gently remind him that it was time to go.
He finally got dressed, took his walk of shame, we hugged, and he left [About damn time!] He texted me about an hour later saying “I’m sorry for the bad sex.” When we talked a few days later he said it was a combination of the alcohol and him being nervous. [But you only had one drink though!]
I felt kinda bad for the way things ended, but it happens to the best of us right? After all, the guy did attempt to make things right by asking for a do-over, but I pretty much lost all interest. [It wasn’t just the sex that turned me off. He had some other issues in his personal life that put the nail in the coffin for me.] Sorry dude!
Sincerely,
Don’t Sip If It’s Gonna Go Limp
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