Old HEAD

So I met this old head (pushing 50 or perhaps older) and he was SHARP as a mother effin TACK! He was a little old in the face, but his suit game was on point, he smelled good, and he was seemingly the perfect gentleman. We exchanged numbers and, naturally, the courting process ensued.

He picked me up one night for a date and we had a great time. We went to a show, ate, drank, danced….it was awesome. As our date came to an end, I was ready for him to take me home, but he had other plans and decided to drive in the opposite direction which was to his home instead. [Well alrighty then.]

As the ride continued, I noticed that the neighborhood became more and more ~~ghetto~~ shabby. Once we got to his place, I couldn’t help but wonder why a person would invest in luxury items such as suits, watches, and cars yet live in a rundown apartment building in a super dumpy neighborhood. I assumed his home was one of those “don’t judge a book by its cover” apartments and that it would get nicer once we got inside…It didn’t. [And my dumb ass didn’t bother trying to leave *face palm*] I was too tired and in too deep to turn back around, so I told him I wanted to just go to sleep because, after all, it was very late.

There were two rooms in the apartment and he walked me to what I thought was the guest room. To my surprise, the “guest room” was his actual bedroom because the old head had a roommate [A roommate? A roommate??? How are you like 50 years old with a roommate in an apartment?] To make matters worse, this guy had a twin bed…a ~~f*cking~~ twin bed with no headboard as a matter of fact. [Bro, where are you going to sleep because we both can’t fit on this damn bed together? Fix it Jesus!]

At that point, I was too tired and defeated to care about his f***** up living situation. I mean, we had a great date and that’s all that matters right?

So I prepared to get some much needed shut eye; however, 15 minutes into my snoozefest, this dude decided to wake me up by kissing and rubbing on me. [Oh boy! Here we go!!!] I was a little annoyed and not because he wanted to do the nasty, but because #1) this mother effer woke me out of my sleep and #2) he was trying to f*** me on a twin bed. [GTFOH with that bullsh** man! It’s bad enough that you drove me to this refugee camp of a home and now you expect me to have sex with you on a damn twin mattress like I’m in high school. Not happening!]

I wasn’t in the mood, but he was determined to get me there by taking a trip down south to my nether region. Normally, I’d be excited about this type of activity, but this guy was TERR-I-BLE….just awful. I honestly don’t know what the f*** he was doing down there. [So you’re 50 and you don’t know how to eat cooch? What the filth flarn filth is going on here?] He was sucking my girl so damn hard and it wasn’t the least bit pleasurable. I would have been better off dry humping the nozzle of a vacuum cleaner. I tried to guide him and when he FINALLY started to get a little better, this fool stopped and said “OK my turn!” as if I was somehow going to put his elderly penis in my mouth when he didn’t even get me off. [Pop Pop, Kill yourself!]

Me: Your turn?
Him: Yeah
Me: Ummm no. You’re not even done yet
Him: What do you mean? I did a good job down there.
Me: A good job? A good job? According to who? I do reckon that I am the one giving the grade here and you are not finished.

This Date Is Over!

[Although it should’ve ended a LONG time ago.]

Sir, if my toes are not curling and I haven’t awakened your neighbors with joyous screams, please do not give yourself an “attaboy”. You have lost your damn mind! I turned over, went to sleep, and that was the end of it.