Guest Post – LESSON ON LOVE: I WANT THAT OLD THING BACK…OR DO I?

“When it comes to love, we are both the victim and the perpetrator of the crime.” – Loveology, John Mark Comer.

Last week I had the pleasure of attending the live broadcast of “This Date Is Over Radio Show“, an internet radio show about dating and relationships. The topic of the show was “Losing Attraction” i.e. what to do when your mate is losing interest. Having experienced this a few times out in the dating field, it sparked some reflection.

Everybody fears being vulnerable and that’s why in relationships we take on the dual roles of “victim” and “perpetrator” or defender and protector. Not only do we not want to hurt the people we love, but we understand reciprocity – we are equally afraid to be hurt, so we refrain from expressing those feelings, despite being critical to our happiness, from fear of the pain it would cause. Losing interest in your mate is not only a result of a change in behavior – weight gain, loss of attention, etc. – but also an indicator that there are glaring failures in communication and trust. No only have we not been communicating our desires for some time, we have the belief that you are competent enough to achieve said desire.

And let’s be clear, losing interest is not the overnight reaction to a mate’s change in behavior. It is the result of a prolonged problem that has gone insufficiently addressed. The remedy is a strengthening of communication and effective motivation.

Consider these steps:

1) Be clear – ” I like this.” “I dislike that”. Don’t hint, just be direct.

2) Give examples of what used to happen and how that is not what is happening right now.

3) Acknowledge your participation (or lack thereof) in what has allowed things to reach this point.

4) Consider what your mate wants and what will effectively motivate them. Be very careful not use what would motivate YOU. Make it about them, not you. People respond best to seeing how their needs will be met by reaching your goals.

Now keep in mind, you might effectively communicate your desires, but still not get what you want. Here are a couple of scenarios:

Scenario 1: An ex “situation” wanted to spend more time with me but we had very different hobbies. He not only asked me if we could spend more time together, but he taught me how to share one of his biggest interests: chess. He appealed to not only my self-interest in hanging out with him, but also my self-interest in competition and sufficiently motivated me to his goal.

Scenario 2: An ex wanted me to get my hair done every week and wear sleeker sexier outfits. Now I didn’t mind doing those things, but I was young and simply couldn’t afford to do it. I wasn’t financially competent to meet his desires. It was definitely a small factor in our break up and he asked me multiple times why I do it now, but couldn’t do it when we were together. ” I love you, but I wasn’t able to do it then, and you didn’t offer to facilitate any of it.”

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If you employ those steps, things should result in mutual gains. HOWEVER, it is possible that you or your mate is incapable of meeting these goals. Competency is a majorly overlooked component. Maybe weight loss isn’t a priority to your busy, stressed, overwhelmed mate right now despite how much they love you and want you to be happy, or maybe you can’t use incentives to spend more time with your mate because the truth is your mate really does not value your time or presence in their daily life. At least now you know where things stand and can move forward either way. Whether you want that old thing back or not, you are prepared to make an informed choice. The lesson learned is to communicate (effectively) so neither of you has to be the victim or the perpetrator, just two adults in the pursuit of happiness.

Special thanks to Lessons While Adulting for allowing us to repost this blog!

Originally posted on LessonsWhileAdulting.Wordpress.com.

Listen to our live broadcast from Ben’s Chili Bowl by clicking the play button below.