Hide Yo Phone Hide Yo Keys

So I had been dating this girl, let’s call her Donna, for a couple of months and I was really digging her. I was feeling her so much that I was thinking about cutting off everyone else I had been dating to be exclusive with her. On this one particular occasion, I wanted to introduce Donna to my friends as sort of the next step to see if they approved of her, so we all met up for a night of bowling. Everything was going great….we were all laughing and joking. I was really excited to see that she was getting along with my friends…I was HAPPY! The night was going so well.

When I got up for my turn, I looked back and saw that my phone fell out of my pocket, but my homeboy picked it up for me so I wasn’t concerned. Once I finished my turn, I went over to my homeboy to retrieve my phone, but he said he didn’t have it. I thought he was joking because that’s how my boy is, so I began to pat his pockets, but he really didn’t have the phone. Why? Because this fool gave it to Donna [breaking the man code]. And where was Donna? In the bathroom with my damn phone for at least 15 minutes. [Smh!] Donna came out of the bathroom with a serious attitude, handed me my phone, and we left.

Unfortunately for me, Donna drove, so during the ride back on the highway, she was yelling at me for talking to other women and an argument ensued. She started driving like a maniac and I noticed that she was NOT driving in the direction of my house. [F*@$!] I told her to stop the car and let me out, but she kept driving. So I did what any insane person would do: I grabbed the wheel and tried to pull the car to the side of the road. Of course, that didn’t work and my attitude went from anger to complete rage. I went for the Big Joker [translation: spades term i.e. hail mary pass] and snatched Donna’s purse and hung it out of the window for ransom. She finally stopped the damn car [F****n B***h!] and I hopped out. To keep this crazy broad from following me while I was on foot, I chucked the hell out of her purse…I threw that thing like I was going for the damn Heisman trophy and all of her sh*t fell out.

While she ran after her purse, I made my getaway by climbing over the median on the highway and walking in the opposite direction. I called my boy and told him to pick me up. I didn’t know exactly what exit I was near on the highway, but I told him keep driving until he saw me walking. As I was walking, Donna’s @$$ pulled up next to me [clearly I didn’t throw her purse far enough] and begged me to get in her car so that she could take me home. I told her to leave me the hell alone or I was going to kick a dent in her door and she pulled off [HALLELUJAH!].

My boy finally showed up and as soon as I got in his car, I jabbed him in the jaw. Why? Because it was his fault that I was in this mess. He never should’ve broken the man code by giving this chick [who was NOT even my girlfriend] my phone in the first place. Anyway, I told him to take me to his place so that I could crash because I figured Donna was probably waiting outside of my house and I just didn’t want to deal with any more of her sh*t for the rest of the night.

Ahhhhh….the next day was finally here and my boy was taking me home, but then it dawned on me that I left my mother f*$%@! keys in Donna’s car. [SH************************T!!!!!!!]

So me and my boy were outside strategizing on how we were going to get inside my house. The plan was to climb through my back window, but when we got to the back of my house, we saw that the door was open. [Awwww sh*t!] At this point, I don’t know if we should go in or if we should call the police….Don’t know how long the door has been open, if someone was inside waiting, etc. But I decided to man up and go inside.

When I walked inside the house all of my sh*t is flipped over and it looked like my place had been robbed. [Why me Lord? Why ME???] I checked to see if my key stuff was missing, but noticed that everything was pretty much still there EXCEPT my brand new laptop. Then, I immediately knew who did it and in my mind I was going to kill her.

So I called Donna’s ass and she ignored every last one of my calls. I then texted her with all kinds of expletives letting her know that she better give me back my laptop. Would you believe that this heifer responded to my texts with a “who is this?” AND. I. LOST. IT. At that point, I was really going to kill that b*tch, but my boy talked me out of it and, instead, I called the police to file a report.

The police came to my house, took the report, and I gave him all of her information. The officer called Donna while he was at my house and of course, she didn’t answer, but he left a message. One minute later, she called the police officer back and he let her know that I was going to press charges on her. Then this b*tch told the officer she wanted to press assault and battery charges on me claiming that I hit her. [What the F***!!!!!] The officer told me that if we both press charges, we will both go to jail and recommended that I try to talk with Donna to handle things civilly.

I was able to get ahold of Donna and convinced her to bring my laptop back under police supervision. Fortunately, I had enough sense to lock my computer. Too bad I wasn’t smart enough to lock my damn phone.

So I went from wanting to wife this chick, preparing to cut off all other women to settle down with her, AND introduced her to my friends, to this chick going through my phone, spazzing out on me, me having to hold her purse hostage, risking my life by climbing over the median and walking down the highway in the middle of the night, getting into a fight with my boy, having my house ransacked, my computer stolen, calling the police, and almost going to jail…..all within a 12 hour time frame.

THIS DATE IS OVER!