Falling For the D​

So I was bar hopping with my girls on a beautiful Friday night and one them had the bright idea to go to a hookah spot [I f*cking hate hookah, but whatever]. We arrived at the hookah spot and the vibe was super off because it was nothing but a bunch of young college kids. [I’m in my 30’s and this aint the move!]

Anyway, I tried to get my mind right to endure hanging around the ‘youngins’ and ordered myself a stiff drink to calm my anxiety. As I placed the order, I felt a tap on my back and, when I turned around, it was as if time stopped. There was this absolutely BEAUTIFUL man standing before me with his chiseled arms and amazing smile. [*Insert dreamy music and doves flying*.]

I just knew he wanted me to pass him a napkin or for me to step aside so that he could talk to one of the young girls at the bar because there was noooo way a man this fine could be interested in me [I’m cute and all, but I also know my lane lol]. Boy was I completely wrong because he was indeed talking to me!

I couldn’t help but get lost in his gorgeous face and fantasize about all of the things that we could do together [OKAY!], how beautiful our children would be, and yadda yadda yadda. However, things took a semi-weird turn because apparently this guy knew me. [Uh oh!]

Him: Yeah, I remember you from State.

Me: [*Looking totally perplexed*] Hold up. You went to State?

Him: Yeah…I kinda had a crush on you too. I always thought you were beautiful, but was too scared to talk to you.

Me: [*Trying to save face*] Wow! This is crazy! I don’t believe you at all. First of all, there aren’t a lot of black people at State and I damn sure would have remembered seeing someone as fine as you on campus.

Him: I’m not lying. I went to State, but I kinda kept to myself and I stayed off campus in the Jefferson Apartments.

Me: Wow! I lived close to Jefferson when I stayed off campus.

I didn’t remember this guy from college, but I figured “No big deal. We can exchange numbers and get to know each other now.” And it was at that moment that he dropped another bombshell making it painfully obvious that I didn’t have a chance in HELL.

Him: You know what else is funny?

Me: No. What?

Him: You and I went out on a date after college like 10 years ago.

Me: Huh?

Him: I still have your number in my phone. *pulls out his phone and shows me my old cell phone number in his contacts*

At that point, I just wanted to DIE because I was so embarrassed that I had no recollection of this guy. He didn’t look familiar, his name didn’t ring a bell, nothing! How is it that we went to the same college AND went on a date a few years later and I still could not remember this guy? What is wrong with me?

I figured that any chances of a date or getting to know this guy were shot to hell, but to my surprise, he didn’t care. [THERE IS A GAWWWD SOMEWHERE!]

Fast forward a couple of months later

Contact between me and UPC (unfamiliar prettyboy from college) was sporadic, but he was cool. We hung out off and on, but I didn’t put much stock into it because he seemed kinda aloof UNTIL he invited me out for a night on the town. We had so much fun and, as I had hoped, we took the party back to his place for some adult activities.

When we got back to his place, it was MOTHER F*CKIN ON! His kisses made my knees weak and the juices just flowed out of me with every single touch of my body. He took off my little black dress and carried me to his bedroom and trust and believe I am not a lightweight at all, so that turned me on even more. He undressed and I shed a thug tear because his body was EVERYTHING…like some sh*t you see in a magazine and not real life [Like how is this happening to me? I hit the damn jackpot!!]. As if things couldn’t get any better, he pulled that thing out and it was so big and so beautiful that I wanted to get on my knees and praise God aloud for bestowing such a wonderful blessing upon me, but I realized that wouldn’t be appropriate and would probably be a buzz kill.

Anyway, he placed me on the bed, kissed me ever so passionately and I braced myself for what was about to happen. He put that big thing in and BAYYYYYYYYYBEEEEEEEE about 30, wait maybe 45, ok I’ll be generous and go with 45…So, 45 seconds later that man was DONE. His body quivered, he fell over, apologized, and that was it.

THIS DATE IS OVER!

I tried to tap dude for round two, but he was fast asleep. [F*CK!!!!!! I’m still horny! SOMEBODY HELP!] I was so upset that I just wanted to get out of there, but it was late, so I went to sleep hoping the morning would give his d*ck some more energy. It didn’t.

So I quickly put on my little black dress back, threw my undies in my purse, and prepared to take my walk of shame. I didn’t want him to, but he insisted on walking me to my car. I tried to hurry up and make my exit, but exiting in haste proved to be a very poor decision. You wanna know why? BECAUSE I FELL DOWN THE GODDAMN STEPS IN MY LITTLE BLACK DRESS WITH NO UNDERWEAR WITH MY HOO-HAW OUT FOR ALL TO SEE!

That was clearly payback for not remembering the guy and now I wish I never met him…AT ALL! I can’t help but wonder if I blocked him from my memory because the sex was so bad 10 years ago. Hmmmm!

Sincerely,

I Played Myself

How would you have handled that situation? Should she cut him off or try for round two? Post your feedback below!

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