So this story is embarrassing. Not in the sense of throwing up in my date’s lap or her letting one rip when I leave the room and I still hear it. This is embarrassing because it put my career on the line.
As we all know, the Christmas season is the time when office parties get popping. I love ’em! These events can be a ball of fun as well as a casual way to talk to the big wigs and put your bid in for that promotion you’ve been hearing about. The interactions there are very different from the 9 to 5 setting. This varies from how much you drink, how social you are, who your date is, and how you present yourself. This story focuses on two areas: my date and her presentation.
Photo Credits:
http://obnoxiousbostonfan.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/chuck-woolery1.jpg
I was out with some friends one evening having a few drinks and we were talking about our company’s holiday party. It seemed like everyone planned on bringing significant others and/or dates to our respective parties. I’m the bachelor of my group and my lady friends love to try and play Chuck Woolery by hooking me up with their friends. One girl said “hey I have a friend of a friend who will be in town the week of your party while she searches for an apartment. You should meet her.” I had the bright idea that she should come to my holiday party.
Fast forward
I met the girl briefly a day before the party. She seemed pretty cool and personable. She wasn’t Halle in the face, but her body was something to blog about. [Think the face of Harriet Winslow with the body of Pinky…Oh shut up, you know about Pinky!! lol]
Photo Credits:
Harriet Winslow
http://www.blacktoptens.com/?p=3292
Pinky
http://hiphopnews24-7.com/
As we were chatting, I mentioned what I was going to wear to the party: a gray tweed blazer, gingham shirt, knitted tie, navy chinos, and wingtips. Nothing formal, but good enough to walk up to the CEO and chat about a BCS [Bowl Championship Series] playoff. I figured she’d compliment my appearance because she claimed to be into fashion.
Photo Credits:
http://skinnytiesandwingtips.tumblr.com/post/4722219237/red-gingham-shirt-charcoal-knit-tie-taken-with#_=_
Party time
I arrived before her and I was pumped. I was mixing it up with coworkers and working the room like I was the host. I ran into my VP and her husband and we began to talk about upcoming openings and raises. [I’m getting happy!]
As we were chatting, I got a tap on my shoulder. Before I turned around, I saw my VP’s face go from “all is right in the world” to “what in the world just walked in?!” I slowly began to turn to see who it was and as I was doing so, I saw board members and other decision makers looking our way…Their faces echoed that of my VP’s. In the back of my mind, I just knew a homeless man stumbled into the party and picked me out of the bunch to bother. Wrong! It was my date!
Believe me when I tell you I had to close my eyes for two whole seconds before I spoke just so I could collect my thoughts and hopefully the cornea would refocus and her real image would appear. Wrong again!
This young lady waltzed into MY party wearing the shortest of “club” dresses [is that a section in the store?] that was damn near see-through. It was a black and white zebra striped dress that was skin-tight and left NOTHING to the imagination. Like I stated before, this girl’s body was bomb, but I didn’t expect her to try and give the guys from the IT department heart attacks with it.
Photo Credits:
http://www.lyst.com/clothing/hm-zebra-dress-natural/
I tried hard to play it casual and cool but this girl had no chill. She threw a huge hug on me and immediately started talking to my VP. As they chatted, I checked her out…Let’s go down the list of WRONGS I peeped:
1. Skin-tight dress that stopped right under the (butt) cheeks
2. Backup flats (damn near house slippers) in her hands and NOT in a purse
3. A bold white bra that shined bright like a diamond through said dress
4. A pink thong that was painfully obvious though we were in dim light
5. Bare legs that were kinda ashy.
I was in awe at this point and told her to head over to the bar and I would meet her there. My VP gave me this priceless face [imagine Jackée Harry smelling a bottle of perfume that’s way too cheap for her nostrils] that caused me to immediately go into explaining who the girl was to me.
Photo Credits:
Jackée Harry http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/211922_100002484865059_1576754_n.jpg
My VP’s energy was completely different from when we talked earlier, so I went into damage control mode. [SH*T!]
I went looking for my date and just my luck, she was chatting it up with a board member at the bar. It was clear that this old man was not interested in anything my “date” was talking about. All I heard her say was “I do want to continue to pursue my rap career” while he had on the “I want you to shut the f*** up, but just can’t walk away because I’m trying to see what’s underneath that dress” face. I butted in and escorted my “date” into the seated area where some work friends were chillin.
My “date” sat down and guess what? Crotch shot! The dress was so small that the girl couldn’t sit down without that hot pink thong gleaming at the top of her exposed thighs!
My friends were pleasant to her but I received plenty of deep stares of disapproval from the ladies, and Craig and Smokey DAAAAMN look when they see Mrs. Parker from the fellas.
Uncomfortable? That’s an understatement. But somehow, I managed to purposely eat a pound of whatever I’m allergic to get out of this “date”.
Fast forward to the next day
I got hella questions about my date. Not the “who in the hell?!” ones but the “oh so who’s your friend? She’s ehh interesting” comments…Those questions that lead you to believe that you’re now the talk of the office. All bad. I began explaining myself left and right. It really hit the fan when my VP’s assistant pulled me to the side and said “next time don’t bring some hoe you met at the club to our holiday party. It made you look like you were some sort of pimp.”
Words of wisdom, ladies and gentlemen. DRESS ACCORDINGLY!!! Know your audience and know that you’re not just representing yourself.
Sincerely,
I’m still waiting on that raise.
Special thanks to Men’s Style Point for providing this blog post! Check out their site at mensstylepoint.com.
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