Pencil D***

So I met this guy in a popular nightlclub in DC and we dated for a few months. Things progressed pretty well and pretty quickly. Eventually, our dates became longer and longer until one night I decided to give him some.

Things were getting hot and heavy…I asked him if he had any condoms and he said “no”. So I told him to get some. My neighborhood was a pretty popular neighborhood with plenty of convenience stores within seconds of my home, yet it took him 45 minutes. When he returned, he seemed pretty nervous, but I invited him to my bedroom to relax with a glass of wine.

The next sequence of events went rather quickly, but I had no idea just how fast things would go. [QUICK…FAST] We began kissing and I had to make him undress me. It was as if this dude had no idea what he was doing…so I took control. But just then, he pulled me on top of him and he began shaking uncontrollably. I was butt naked but he still had on half of his f**kin clothes. He motioned to pull me on top of him, but just then I realized, this dude STILL had on his draws (underwear). He thrusted me down on top of him, still shaking uncontrollably, and I said “you do realize you can take your underwear off?” He said “oh…okay.” He quickly took off his underwear as if he didn’t want me to see what he was working with and then hopped into bed. I found this odd, but in the heat of the moment, I blew it off as no big deal.

But then…it happened.

He pushed my legs apart and apparently he put it in, but I felt NOTHING. I tried to guide him but he would not let me touch him. I remember looking at the ceiling confused, bewildered if you may, thinking this cannot be happening to me. I stared at the ceiling just confused. He started shaking uncontrollably AGAIN, made two abrupt motions, and said “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

He fumbled in the dark to put his clothes on. I said to him “Why? What happened?” I still hadn’t realized that we had sex because I didn’t feel sh*t. He was stumbling over everything to find his clothing so much so I didn’t even have a chance to cut the lights on. He knocked over the glass of red wine onto my eggshell carpet.

Fully dressed, he moved quickly toward my bedroom door, then my front door, and RUNS down the steps. I get dressed as fast as I could to run after him, but by that time, he was barreling out of his parking space like a bat out of hell [insert tire peeling/skid sound effect].

He never called me that night or the night after. I didn’t hear from him for two weeks and it was via email…he sent me a message to break up with me. It wasn’t until that time that I realized he had a small penis and was too ashamed to admit it.

A few months later, I saw him at a bar for a party of mine. He was the bartender. He looked up at me and it was as if he had seen a ghost. I was with my NEW boyfriend [with an awesome, adult-sized penis]. We didn’t speak nor did I acknowledge that I knew him. He gave me and my boyfriend our drinks for free and that was the last time I saw him.

Thinking back on it, I believe he was actually a virgin. And it is beyond me how you can go 27 years without having sex nor realizing that you have a small penis.

Thankfully, this date was OVER!