So my friend is at the mall and runs into this chick from back in the day. She asks about me. I tell my friend to give me her number so we can chat. I chat on the phone with her and she says ‘lets do lunch’. I oblige and start to make my way downtown.
Almost there, I call and ask ‘where would you like to meet?’ She responds ‘I’m not driving right now so I need you to pick me up’. Against my better judgment, I comply. I approach her house and there is a Do Not Enter sign on the street. Just like with any One-Way street, I make three left turns to approach from the other direction. Get to the other side of the street and there is a Do Not Enter sign there also. [WTH?] That must be a sign from above. I disregard the Heavens and drive the wrong way down the one-way street.
As I pull up to the address, I cant help but notice that all of the houses are vacant. I’m concocting my exit strategy when she comes outside, but the big butt and smile deleted my better judgment and emptied the Recycle Bin.
We go a local eatery and before we even get there, all I could think about is ‘How in the world did I let all this slip pass me?’ So I ask about her car because telecommuting is great and carpooling saves the environment [wishful thinking]. This chick says the repo man came and got her car…She stopped paying for it because it needed repairs.
We go to the eatery and this chick asks for a Ciroc and Pineapple. [They don’t serve no damn Ciroc!] The waiter looked at me and I hung my head in shame. [You get Stoli or Kettle One if you want vodka from a predominately white establishment.] I’m not even going to touch the issue with her ordering vodka when it was barely an hour past 11:59am.
I’m telling her about my life and she is laughing unreasonably loud. I may be a lot of things, but funny is not one of them. Her laugh was so loud that it startled at least 2 other patrons in the restaurant. When I say her laugh startled people, I mean like a gunshots or aliens and horror flicks. There was a woman walking past the restaurant and when my date laughed (shrieked) she tripped, trying to run.
I end the date abruptly and then this girl asks can we go play LaserTag. What?
This date is OVER!
Signed,
Never Trust a Big Butt & A Smile
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